I am Jack's favored memories..

Every once in awhile, I find something that reminds me of my cousin. The other day, it was a pog. Not the regular pog, but the master pog [I don't remember the exact name of it] that you used to flip the other pogs. I remembered him teaching me the game of pogs. Me with my X-men pogs, I don't remember his pogs because I could never beat him at it. I remember how happy I was when my cousin came to visit. We'd play pogs, go putt-putt golfing, then go to Old Country Buffet or get Papa Murphy's to drink with Root Beer. I miss my cousin. I have a mini-shrine in The POD for him. I keep all of these keepsakes I find in a box in my closet. One day I hope to visit his grave and leave all of our momentos there for him to remember me. In 81 days I will be the same age he was when he died 6 years ago.. <3 I love you Kissopher.

I went for a walk with The Mother tonight. We took Katelyn Fiona. I talked to my mom about my English class. Attempting for an incomplete so I don't f-bomb my GPA.. so I can retake it this summer. And just pretend like I graduated this quarter to the rest of my family... heh.

"How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. It's like a book elegantly bound but, in a language that you can't read. You've gotta spend some time, Love, you've gotta spend some time with me. I know that you'll find, Love, I will possess your heart. " SmoothieBoy.. that goes out to you.. Though you were the one that introduced me to the song. Maybe one day the stars will align and we will be together as more than friends without it being awkward like L-Word and WolfBoy. For this I wish the most. <3 I will possess your heart, and you... you will possess mine.

Mmmm.. *yawn* Time for beddie-bye.




Melodies in my mind::
[1] ..Cath... by Death Cab for Cutie..
[2] ..Grenade Jumper by Fall Out Boy..
[3] ..Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie..
[4] ..Here in Your Arms by Hellogoodbye..
[5] ..Twin Cinema by The New Pornographers..
[6] ..Your New Twin Sized Bed by Death Cab for Cutie..
[7] ..Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day..
[8] ..Hate (I Really Don't Like You) by Plain White T's..
[9] ..American Idiot by Green Day..
[10] ..I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie..
[11] ..Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At the Disco..
[12] ..I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie..
[13] ..

I am Jack's throbbing chest cavity...

"I'm worried about you J"

I've been hearing that a lot lately. So many people have been telling me how depressed I am, and how worried they are. They all tell me that they know I won't do anything to hurt myself, but that it still worries/upsets them that I am so inexplicably unhappy. Honestly, I worry myself, but I won't bring myself to talk to Udono about it. I pull out everything and its mother to cover for the topic I can't bring myself to think about let alone speak about. I haven't the foggiest idea about what's going on. When people tell me they're worried, I smile and tell them all I appreciate their worrying but I'm fine, I'm just having an off day. Whatever I can say to make them go away.

Maybe I should make a happy list too. [Backstory: D-money had Preggo create a "happy list" during one of their sessions with a list of things she liked to do that she could do when she was feeling depressed. She had to do at least one item on the list every day, sometimes more if it was a bad day.] So I should make a happy list.

1. SmoothieBoy
2. L-Word
3. BBQ
4. Camp
5. Write
6. Sing
7. Take Pictures
8. Scrapbook
9. Paint
10. Clean
11. Blog
12. Take a Walk
13. Go to the Gym
14. Rock Out
15. Play With Katelyn Fiona
16. {add more activities here}
    

Look I'm doing at least two of those right now. Blogging and singing along to the melodies in my head [below].

I heart brackets. I really really really really really do. {Side Note: extra "really"s is a SmoothieBoy thing I do...} Brackets just make me really happy. Not to mention they really help me when I'm trying to right stuff because I'm so spacey sometimes I tell 15 different stories at the same time. Brackets help =} and they make great faces.

I'm thinking about dying my hair black again... like this..

but at the same time I'm trying to grow my hair out so I can be natural for the first time in....... 5 years.. =]

I should really work on my Personal Essay for Central.

I'm done being fat. I'm so done. I was looking back at pictures of me 3-5 years ago. I used to think I was fat. I was nothing then compared to what I am now. I need to get back to where I was at before. This attempt to stifle my feelings with food has got to end. I cannot live like this anymore.


Melodies in my mind::
[1] ..Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus..
[2] ..Graceland by The New Pornographers..
[3] ..Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At The Disco..
[4] ..Rock Lobster by The B-52s..
[5] ..Memory by Sugarcult..
[6] ..Unguided by The New Pornographers..
[7] ..I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco..
[8] ..Love Shack by The B-52s..
[9] ..Failsafe by The New Pornographers..
[10] ..

Udono & Central

So I just got back to the homestead from seeing Udono. We talked about family drama. Udono just kept bringing up Central. Telling me I needed to get out of this house, out of this family, even if just for the two years of college. I need to get away. Which of course I already know, but it's nice to hear from someone other than my very own Jiminy Cricket.

So I need to write my essay so I can finish up my application.

I'm going to go do my math homework and maybe if I get all of that done I can start on my French.
Je t'aime Paris.

You lost today kid, but that doesn't mean you have to like it...

L-Word spent the night last night.. Preggo came over today.. I took Preggo to her DSHS appointment. She got some information on transitional housing in the area. There is one in Puyallup that sounds like a good option. Hopefully she'll be accepted for one of the four positions opening up there this month. I really believe that this housing would be in her best interest.

I'm trying to figure out what to use to attach this plate to this canvas. The Mother and I need to print off the poem so we can cut the words out poetry magnet style. I can't wait for it to be finished. It's going to be a really cool first installment of the Poem Pieces.

So I called work today and asked for Monday through Friday off for next week. HeadSales had me call back an hour later to see if she could make it work. I got one extra day and we're waiting to see if KareBear can cover my Wednesday and Thursday shifts then I'll have pretty much the whole week off except Saturday and Sunday. I'm really hoping I get them off. The thought of going to work makes me want to cry.